Feature

Named and shamed

Cruz...not only is it a silly name, just asking for school bullies to make jokes out of it but it translates as ’cross’ and is, in fact, a girl’s name.

David and Victoria Beckham are the new generation of celebrities lumping their offspring with names better suited to brands of cereal or porn stars. Just look at Brooklyn, named as a constant reminder of where he was conceived - imagine the mental images that’ll conjure up when he’s older - and as for Romeo, where do we start with that choice?

But undoubtedly the Oscar for worst choice of baby name goes to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.  It started off fine with the oh-so-cool Maddox and the exotic but pretty Zahara but they seem to have put much less thought in to their biological daughter's name - Pile'o...sorry Shiloh Pitt (or to give her her full, bog roll, inspired name, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt).  She just better follow in the family footsteps when it comes to looks and thick skin.

Julia Roberts has also recently joined the silly name club, lulling us in to a false sense of security by calling her daughter Hazel then dropping the bomb that her twin brother is to be named Phinnaeus, a name which will undoubtedly come in handy when he decides to become a famous explorer or a reclusive professor with a disturbing twitch.

Meanwhile Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have delved in to the hippy baby fruit basket, calling their unfortunate daughter Apple while their son best start work on a long beard and ability to part the Red Sea to live up the name Moses. Jamie and Jools Oliver haven’t thought beyond toddler age choosing names so painfully cute that their daughters, Daisy Boo and Poppy Honey, can never hope to be taken seriously (Anna Ryder Richardson take note...Dixie Dot and Bibi Belle - really?).

But bad celebrity baby names are nothing new, who can name all of Paula Yates’ kids without cringing? While Bob Geldof named his daughters Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches and Pixie, Michael Hutchence got in on the act by letting Paula call his little one Heavenly Hirrani Tiger Lily. David Bowie has been particularly unkind to his son, the only saving grace for the now thirtysomething Zowie being that he is known to his own family and friends as the rather less exciting Duncan Jones.